Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
You Might Also Like
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
Why is everyone getting married at me
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
My safe word is Worcestershire
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??