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Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
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Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Broom by every window for quick escape.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
I thought it would be funny to show my young coworker a picture of myself from 20yrs ago and say, “Nightshift is hard. This is me before I started working here 4 years ago.” She looked horrified, which was funny, but I still decided not to tell that joke anymore.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*