If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
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I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Don’t forget to tip your server
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
these two trucks have the same bed length
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Ron is short for Aaronald
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.