WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
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Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
yeah not falling for this one
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.