oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
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H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Made something I’m not proud of
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
Good advice.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Dolls on drugs
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER