*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
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Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Haha good job!!
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I wish I could veto my bills.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.