I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
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I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
(Gaming support cat.)
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
A collection of me turning into random objects.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot