CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
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JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
Me irl
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters