“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
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Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Wait for it
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
WIFE: Why are you wearing camo?
ME: Crap. You can see me?
WIFE: Put those cookies back.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting