they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
We have a tornado watch but all my neighbors are walking outside so will be a nice heads-up when I see them all fly past my window.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.