they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
when you order from DoorDastardly
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere