they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
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I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
keep reaching for the stars, kid: