they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store

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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.


me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?


I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.


*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls

[At Police Station]

“You can make one phone call”

*Dials random #

“Is your fridge running?”


I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.


HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!


Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?


Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781


My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.


One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.