A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
BARBER: what’ll it be
ME: can u make me feel extremeley self-conscious for 45 minutes
BARBER: u got it
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
beware of dog
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!