A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding