The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
*jingles half the way*
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.