The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
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[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.