my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
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I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My plans: 2020:
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The cashier just checked me out.
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.