I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
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Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
lol