“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
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I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
The worst part about having your death go viral is that you get kicked off the Queue for Taylor Swift tickets. #RIPJimmyFallon
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.