I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
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Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
bout dat hot dog summer
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo