[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
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Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality