One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
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Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
Good morning!
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time