Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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That lamp looks PISSED.
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Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Swedish for common sense.
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Any room can be an escape room when you have diarrhea
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
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If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.