Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
Not all heroes wear capes.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I鈥檓 fine, thanks
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to pur茅e them and use a funnel.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 馃槈
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that鈥檚 a monkey鈥檚 name.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let鈥檚 leave for a couple of hours
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Sorry but this is the best bird story I鈥檝e ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Email from my mom: What鈥檚 my email address?