Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
They got a point!
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable