Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
These work great until they don’t.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist