It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
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i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
A library patron stops in her tracks at the reference desk, studies me, and says: “You’ve gotten a few gray hairs!”
“Yeah, I get one every time there’s something I want to say out loud at work but hold it in instead. Oops, there’s a new one.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.