My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
getting old is fun
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Die Hard (1988):A cop stops terrorists in a building
Therapist:Sounds cool but lets discuss how ur parents named u the title/year of a movie
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami