Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
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1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
This is hilarious….
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
How times have changed.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”
You need to slow your roll there survey.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.