Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
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Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Just this preview of the story is enough
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Cake!!