Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
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i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
The three genders.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
I need this for my side hustle.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see