Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
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My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Sorry not sorry.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
If a snake ate a cake
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*