@AsgardianRose

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

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@ddsmidt

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

@RodLacroix

Son: I can’t wait to be older.

Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great

@djdarrellripley

Her: What are you reading?

Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”

Her: What’s that about?

Me: (Pause) Church architecture.

@TheToddWilliams

[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.

@david8hughes

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

@robfee

Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.