@ddsmidt Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
@AsgardianRose Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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@ddsmidt 
@DurtMcHurtt Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
@LoveNLunchmeat Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
@RodLacroix Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
@sonictyrant A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
@djdarrellripley Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
@TheToddWilliams [Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
@david8hughes [takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
@XplodingUnicorn 5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
@robfee Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.