Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
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I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
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Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
Sign of the day..
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2