Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
You Might Also Like
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
found this cool rock hiking today
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight