Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
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Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Stop being racist to kettles.
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough