Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
You Might Also Like
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Why is this me 😫
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.