[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
The puffer fish spends days creating a beautiful boudoir in which to lure a mate and I just want a man who can load the dishwasher properly.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.