I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
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this will hang in the louvre one day
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.