You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
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Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Cheers Twitter.
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.