Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
We’ve all been there…
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured