Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day