Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
You Might Also Like
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
all that yoga finally paid off
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!