I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
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Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
anyone else like Italian cereal