[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
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A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
You know you’re a mover & a shaker when HR rewrites the dress code for you.
Whatever Anita, those tear-away pants looked fabulous on me.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.