Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.

Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…

I’m ready to be adopted now.

“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”

Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”

My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!

He’s nowhere to be found.

Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?

Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.

Send wine and bail money.

“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”

They haven’t.

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.

Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas

[prison]

PRISONER: what’s for breakfast

GUARD: every meal is bread & water

PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby

Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?

Me: *screaming along to death-metal*

My child, who I forgot was in the car:

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

[plot twist] ur buried vertically

“What a tangled web we weave”

-Earbuds

Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”

I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.

*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*

Uber driver: “Where to?”

Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”

My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.

I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes

I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.

WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus

Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place

Dear Diary,

– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.