[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here![]()
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WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
what does he know…
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ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️