I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
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Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.