Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
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WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
We’ve all been there
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My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
no!! no!!!!!!
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I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]