Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
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Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
I am also baked goods
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister