Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
You Might Also Like
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
[Ouija board]
Me: Demon?
I-W-I-L-L-E-A-T-Y-O-U-R-E-S-O-U-LMe: *your
Y-O-U-K-N-O-W W-H-A-T-I-D-O-N-T-W-A-N-T-Y-O-U-R-S-O-U-L-A-N-Y-M-O-R-E
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you