I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
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I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals