Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Sending in my taxes
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Welcome to your 40s: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids