ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
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Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Delightful if true: booby trap.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good