Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
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“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Sex so good you see dead people.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.