It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Don’t talk down to me
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Inside you there are two wolves
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream