Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
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Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Thursday Thought.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.