My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
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Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
For anyone who needs this today
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
i smell a pulitzer
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok