Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
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To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Ken is short for chicken
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I feel like this would increase accidents because if I saw that I would assume it’s a demon arriving to drag my soul to hell.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
seems like a niche market
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.