I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
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Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
no
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: yes why
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]